“I, the Lord God, delight in the chastity of women and whoredoms are an abomination before me”
A question is sometimes asked about why there should not be sex before marriage, that is something like, “if you’re in a committed relationship, why should there not be sex before marriage?” Often, behind the question is the notion that because marriage is such an important commitment, in order to make the best decision of whom to marry, you should get to know each in every possible way and shouldn’t that include sex?
There are several things to consider with this idea. One, it is true that marriage is certainly a big commitment and it should be made wisely and not in haste. You should get to know each other. But even with great diligence in that area, your efforts will fall short because knowing another person, (as well as yourself) is a moving target over a lifetime, especially when it comes to physical aspects. Even in other important areas, they are getting to know themselves in the process of you getting to know them. This process is on going. While you’re trying to get to know someone, they are changing and will continue to change. Even after you marry they will continue to change. Sometimes those changes can be drastic and unexpected. How will you be able to handle that? What is possible to know about someone before marriage is limited, so use your time wisely.
One reason why sex before marriage is an error is because sex is, by its very nature, an act of forming a permanent relationship. There aren’t many ways to create a permanent relationship with another person, but sex is one. Sex is the means by which a man and woman can create a child, which is formed from each of them. This child can grow and have children, and the cycle can continue in perpetuity, even long after the couple is dead. This relationship of a man and woman which can create a child is perhaps the most “permanent” kind of relationship that can be formed. The effects can literally go on forever. There aren’t a lot of things you can do that can inherently form a permanent relationship with someone. Sex is extremely unique by having that quality. To take a gift that can create a permanent relationship, and then use it for temporary purposes, is an abuse of this unique gift.
Being in a “committed relationship” is not the same as being in a permanent relationship. Until it is permanent, it is temporary. Using sex as a litmus test in a temporary relationship is an abuse of the permanent nature of sex.
Another thing to consider, is that sex is not a good indicator of the true quality of the relationship. Of all of the factors to consider, the physical connection is perhaps the most likely to give a false positive about the true nature of the relationship. Those who use sex in a temporary relationship are much more likely to think the relationship is better than it really is than being able to critically understand the true nature of the relationship. It can drastically distort all of the other areas of getting to know someone. It makes it more likely that signs of real problems those areas will be ignored in order to gratify this passion.
Introducing it with only a temporary commitment can make it much more difficult to admit that the relationship is bad and to only back out after it is worse than it needed to get if one had responded earlier to other signs of a bad relationship. It can make break-ups much worse than they would otherwise be.
Being physically attracted can be sufficiently confirmed without sex. Sex before marriage is not nearly as reliable of an indicator of the likelihood of success in the relationship as some would have you believe.
Using sex in a relationship without a permanent commitment can also make it more difficult to form a permanent relationship. It can be one less thing could have helped forge a permanent relationship that no longer represents something unique to a permanent relationship because it has been used with temporary relationships.
Doing something that can form a permanent connection with someone and then breaking it off, does not teach those involved how to better form a permanent relationship. It teaches how to end relationships. Failing doesn’t make it easier to succeed. It can make it easier to fail again. With more and more experience in very close relationships and then breaking them off, it can be easier to break off the next relationship and the next. All the while it can be more difficult to form a truly permanent one. Like sticky tape, the more it is used to bond with something, then peeled off again, the less effective it can be when used again.
It is widely known that the divorce rate for first time couples in the U.S. is generally around 50% (though the figure varies). If forming such a close relationship and then breaking it off were a good method to form an even better relationship later, you’d think that divorced couples would do much better the second time around. But it turns out that for those who are divorced and later choose to marry someone else, the divorce rate is about 66% for the 2nd marriage. If they choose to marry yet again, the chances for divorce in the 3rd marriage is about 75%. These figures are stated in various places including here. You can see the trend. Accepting failure is more likely to result in more failure in the future than it is to teach how to succeed.
When it comes to doing the best that you can in finding someone with whom you can and should form a permanent relationship, perhaps the single biggest factor is to discover whether you truly share the same values. In other words, do you place the highest priority on the issues and topics that matter most to you? What do you really value most? What matters most to them? It is also one thing to “say” certain things really matter and are highly valued, but it is another thing to “do” according to those high priorities. Time is needed to truly demonstrate what the real priorities are for each.
It is also important to learn how you to work through difficulties and disagreements with one another. How bad things get when they go bad, can do more to define the relationship than how good things might get when they are good. It’s important to see how you can work through differences when there are conflicts and problems to face. Dating needs to get beyond the point of repeatedly creating temporary, vacation-like, activities to do together. Just being together over time, like you’ve been together with friends over time, you know that eventually you’ll face difficulties. These can be a blessing to help reveal a deeper, truer nature of the relationship. Working through difficult challenges will prove to be much more valuable than experimenting with physical attraction. How well you work through difficulties is a much better indicator of the true nature of your relationship than how good it can be when things are going well.
Get to know what each of you really value. See how you deal with things when there are serious conflicts. Don’t blind yourself with physical attraction.
Sex is a unique gift for a permanent relationship. Treat it that way.